..it may not be for you.
Jeez it's been a long time since I wrote anything. Over a year and a half. Wow. Not much new, my son has moved to Texas to live with me. He'll be 17 in a few days and let me tell you, this teenage ish is no joke! He's not a bad kid but he is a teenager and well, he's a teenager. Not much more to say there.
There were so many things that I wanted to do. Many accomplished, some still a work in progress but love, oh love. It confuses me. My attitude was 'love don't love me' but I was wrong. It loves me, I just don't understand it sometimes. I'm not sure if we are speaking different languages, if I am just being a butt-head, or maybe, I'm still not ready.
I asked for this..
non-trifling, ready for real love, SINGLE (I don't date married men), intelligent, loves and respects his mama/women, God fearing, knowledge seeking, sweet love making, has his stuff in order, doesn't mind dating a woman with 2 kids (I'm not hating on those of you that do mind, I completely understand) over the age of 32, proud to be BLACK MAN
...and got about 85% of it. Still not happy. Not unhappy, but it was missing something so I let it go.
Not long after here comes old love. Real old, almost 19 years ago old. Didn't even see it coming. It was light and easy. Just two old friends chit chatting. Then it changed to something nice and easy. Pretty much everything I was looking for. Then it changed again. Heavy. I don't like heavy. With the exception of my weight, I avoid heavy.
I feel so frustrated.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Missing you
One year ago, I was in love. One year ago, my love was taken away from me.
I wonder if you knew I loved you. We clicked instantly. I admired your walk through this life. Your self confidence (a little cocky but I liked it), commitment to your community, and your sense of responsibility even though you were not responsible for anyone one but yourself. You were intelligent and down to earth, seemed to have it all but were always looking for something more. These were things that attracted me to you. But it is all of you that I miss. You were sexy as hell and I was happy just to breathe the same air as you and for a long time that is all we did. Sex was not immediate in our relationship but when it finally happened, we seemed to be tailor made for one another in that area. However, it is the sound of your voice and just the simple touch of your fingers running up and down my arm are what I long for every day.
Stubbornness and pride, no, fear stopped us from having the love that we were both searching for. From embracing the love that we’d found. In the weeks before you departed this earth, I lost more sleep over you than I did over anything else. We’d talk but never say much, yet the calls continued. Every time I hung up the phone I would say ‘Next time I am going to tell him. I am going to stop being afraid and I am going to tell him’, but I never did and now it is too late. Too late to tell you that you were the man of my dreams. To tell you that I could live with your flaws, that I wanted to live with your flaws because they did could not diminish the whole of you. To tell you that the one thing that pissed me off about you had not turned me off from you. This was completely foreign to me. Normally pissed off means you have to go but I wanted you to be ever present.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all does not apply here because my love is lost forever. I no longer have the luxury of our conversations where the little voice in my head would scream “say it already, tell me you love me”; it has been silenced forever. Yes, I’ve had some good times since you’ve been gone but they never last. I have met and even been introduced to some really nice men, but they are not you. My mind knows better to compare them to you, but my heart is having none of it. I am smart enough to know not to look for you but the things you had on the inside and your swagger, those are the qualities that I would look for in any man. Some come close but it is not the same, there’s something missing, that je ne sais quoi, that I cannot find.
I miss you all the time. I feel like someone punched me in my chest and just when I recovered from the punch, here they come with another. Most people would just keep a picture to remember you by, but I cannot even bring myself to erase your number from my cell phone.
Rest in peace babe.
I wonder if you knew I loved you. We clicked instantly. I admired your walk through this life. Your self confidence (a little cocky but I liked it), commitment to your community, and your sense of responsibility even though you were not responsible for anyone one but yourself. You were intelligent and down to earth, seemed to have it all but were always looking for something more. These were things that attracted me to you. But it is all of you that I miss. You were sexy as hell and I was happy just to breathe the same air as you and for a long time that is all we did. Sex was not immediate in our relationship but when it finally happened, we seemed to be tailor made for one another in that area. However, it is the sound of your voice and just the simple touch of your fingers running up and down my arm are what I long for every day.
Stubbornness and pride, no, fear stopped us from having the love that we were both searching for. From embracing the love that we’d found. In the weeks before you departed this earth, I lost more sleep over you than I did over anything else. We’d talk but never say much, yet the calls continued. Every time I hung up the phone I would say ‘Next time I am going to tell him. I am going to stop being afraid and I am going to tell him’, but I never did and now it is too late. Too late to tell you that you were the man of my dreams. To tell you that I could live with your flaws, that I wanted to live with your flaws because they did could not diminish the whole of you. To tell you that the one thing that pissed me off about you had not turned me off from you. This was completely foreign to me. Normally pissed off means you have to go but I wanted you to be ever present.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all does not apply here because my love is lost forever. I no longer have the luxury of our conversations where the little voice in my head would scream “say it already, tell me you love me”; it has been silenced forever. Yes, I’ve had some good times since you’ve been gone but they never last. I have met and even been introduced to some really nice men, but they are not you. My mind knows better to compare them to you, but my heart is having none of it. I am smart enough to know not to look for you but the things you had on the inside and your swagger, those are the qualities that I would look for in any man. Some come close but it is not the same, there’s something missing, that je ne sais quoi, that I cannot find.
I miss you all the time. I feel like someone punched me in my chest and just when I recovered from the punch, here they come with another. Most people would just keep a picture to remember you by, but I cannot even bring myself to erase your number from my cell phone.
Rest in peace babe.
Monday, December 31, 2007
New Year Wishes
From You win...sort of:
...if anyone reading this knows of a non-trifling, ready for real love, SINGLE (I don't date married men), intelligent, loves and respects his mama/women, God fearing, knowledge seeking, sweet love making, has his stuff in order, doesn't mind dating a woman with 2 kids (I'm not hating on those of you that do mind, I completely understand) over the age of 32, proud to be BLACK MAN, ask him to wait for me. I want it all but I won't be able to accept it until 2008.
...if anyone reading this knows of a non-trifling, ready for real love, SINGLE (I don't date married men), intelligent, loves and respects his mama/women, God fearing, knowledge seeking, sweet love making, has his stuff in order, doesn't mind dating a woman with 2 kids (I'm not hating on those of you that do mind, I completely understand) over the age of 32, proud to be BLACK MAN, ask him to wait for me. I want it all but I won't be able to accept it until 2008.
~~~~
Well I will be damned if 2008 is not here and on my ass like a dog on a bone and I have no prospects, not a one. Do you have any for me? It's sad really because I am tired of being by myself. While it is possible to find someone that I can vibe with for a while, it would be nice to find someone who can hold my interest for more than six weeks. I want to experience that. Don't get me wrong, love for the new year is not all that is on my mind and it's not like I am on my knees crying I want a man, please God send me a man, however, for all the things I can do for myself, I cannot be my own man and I am not trying to be.
I am sort of nervous going into the new year which is new for me. I know what I am looking for but I am starting to wonder if he is out there. Hopefully these butterflies in my stomach symbolize good things in the year to come.
My wishes for the new year include: (true) love, focus, consistency, fortitude, to be financially honest with myself, and the loss of 25 lbs. before I go to see my Grandma in March.
What are your wishes for the new year?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Where for art thou
Hey family,
I received a call today from my favorite cousin, my teenage running buddy, and all around best friend, Tee
Tee: Ok, so you know I found your blog. Post some new material.
Me: What???!!!What blog?
Tee: Bit@h please don’t waste air lying. The only reason I can figure you stopped blogging is because you know that I've found you. But then that does not make much sense because you still have it up and running.
Me: Well…what had happened was..
Tee: You are a lazy, sad a$$. So do me a favor - for the next two months, blog before you call me. I’ll definitely call for missing details. I LOVE your blog. It reminds me of when I was in boot camp and you would write me those thick letters two and three times a week, with all of the local drama. Damn the mud and the chiggers on my stuff (yes people that stuff – the muff) you had me rolling.
Me: How did you know it was me?
Tee: Candy found you. Actually someone in DC turned her on to you and she sent me the link after she read your profile.
Me: Who else did she tell? Forget it, I do not care. I am not ashamed. It’s not like I am some super undercover freak.
Tee: You know Candy can keep a secret. Hold on let me put her on 3-way.
Candy: Ho, ho, ho.
Me: Merry Christmas blabber mouth.
Candy: I wasn’t wishing you a Merry Christmas, I was calling you out for the hoe you are.
Me: Don’t be mad just because I know how to liberate my cooch.
Candy: What is the deal on the dating scene?
Tee: What is up with Sneaky?
Me: I have to get back to work.
Candy: Scary bit@h, answer the questions!
Me: Your momma.
Candy: I’m telling.
Me: No, no, no. Stop playing, she is sending my bread for Christmas. You play too much.
On and on this went. I had such a nice time on the phone with them so without any further ado...
Housing: I had the nerve to house hunt over the last couple of weeks. So many deals, too much time on my hands. I do not want SPD to have to change schools in the middle of the school year so I’ll hold off on this until about April.
JJ: My 14 year-old: He’ll be 15 in 10 days. Still a good kid, does not believe that he is moving south at the end of the school year, he’s probably nervous. Grandma doesn’t help with her “It’s going to be a different ball game when you get down there with your mother”
Health: I swear on my next piece of fried chicken – I will lose 25 pounds by mid-March.
I may sound calm but I am stressed to the max. I am not sleeping well and for a person like me that loves to sleep in or a good nap uh, let's just say that say growling at your co-workers to stop talking to you is not a good look.
Be back soon, I swear,
Cazual
I received a call today from my favorite cousin, my teenage running buddy, and all around best friend, Tee
Tee: Ok, so you know I found your blog. Post some new material.
Me: What???!!!
Tee: Bit@h please don’t waste air lying. The only reason I can figure you stopped blogging is because you know that I've found you. But then that does not make much sense because you still have it up and running.
Me: Well…what had happened was..
Tee: You are a lazy, sad a$$. So do me a favor - for the next two months, blog before you call me. I’ll definitely call for missing details. I LOVE your blog. It reminds me of when I was in boot camp and you would write me those thick letters two and three times a week, with all of the local drama. Damn the mud and the chiggers on my stuff
Me: How did you know it was me?
Tee: Candy found you. Actually someone in DC turned her on to you and she sent me the link after she read your profile.
Me: Who else did she tell? Forget it, I do not care. I am not ashamed. It’s not like I am some super undercover freak.
Tee: You know Candy can keep a secret. Hold on let me put her on 3-way.
Candy: Ho, ho, ho.
Me: Merry Christmas blabber mouth.
Candy: I wasn’t wishing you a Merry Christmas, I was calling you out for the hoe you are.
Me: Don’t be mad just because I know how to liberate my cooch.
Candy: What is the deal on the dating scene?
Tee: What is up with Sneaky?
Me: I have to get back to work.
Candy: Scary bit@h, answer the questions!
Me: Your momma.
Candy: I’m telling.
Me: No, no, no. Stop playing, she is sending my bread for Christmas. You play too much.
On and on this went. I had such a nice time on the phone with them so without any further ado...
PROGRESS THUS FAR
When I last left you I had vowed to give up dating until next year. After some failed attempts, I have given up. The men here make it easy to dislike them so I am over that hump however, 2008 is rapidly approaching and I have my fingers crossed and my prayers in order for someone that I want and who wants me. Sneaky is doing well, at least he is doing me very well. I can’t complain, we serve each other’s purpose and we are fine with that.
I’d also done a little semi assessment and did not like the looks of things. Here is a brief update:
College Degree: I was able to enroll for fall. I took 3 classes, grades due out soon. Stockpiling money for next semester’s tuition.
Credit: Getting better, score up by 68 points. Yeah me. Feeling too cheap to buy a new car though.
I’d also done a little semi assessment and did not like the looks of things. Here is a brief update:
College Degree: I was able to enroll for fall. I took 3 classes, grades due out soon. Stockpiling money for next semester’s tuition.
Credit: Getting better, score up by 68 points. Yeah me. Feeling too cheap to buy a new car though.
Savings: The money makes it to the account, now the goal is to have more than 50% of it stay there. Not eating out as much mostly due to the fact that I am too lazy to exercise so in order to compensate, I eat less. Alcohol on the other hand….
Housing: I had the nerve to house hunt over the last couple of weeks. So many deals, too much time on my hands. I do not want SPD to have to change schools in the middle of the school year so I’ll hold off on this until about April.
JJ: My 14 year-old: He’ll be 15 in 10 days. Still a good kid, does not believe that he is moving south at the end of the school year, he’s probably nervous. Grandma doesn’t help with her “It’s going to be a different ball game when you get down there with your mother”
Health: I swear on my next piece of fried chicken – I will lose 25 pounds by mid-March.
I may sound calm but I am stressed to the max. I am not sleeping well and for a person like me that loves to sleep in or a good nap uh, let's just say that say growling at your co-workers to stop talking to you is not a good look.
Be back soon, I swear,
Cazual
Friday, October 5, 2007
Catch up
I have been so busy lately. Not Dating is going well. I have been on so many non-dates it’s incredible. Where were all of these men when I was in my house sad and lonely as hell? Are any of them going to be around when my dating hiatus is over? There have been a few glitches on the non-dating front. (1) a few dudes either do not respect my non dating stance or think that I am straight bullshitting and I do not understand why. I make sure that when we hang out, it’s not datish. Light lunches during the week, last minute “come meet my friends and I for drinks” no real plans because those are dates. (2) I like one of my friends. I am playing it real cool and he respects the fact that I am not dating. He’s really good about staying out of my face, literally and figuratively. He claims can wait until 2008 so we will see. (3) We all know, dating or not, I have to get mine. Why did Sneaky (my secret booty call) refer to me as ‘sweetheart’ recently? And it was not a mistake, he did it twice. I called him out and he said he didn’t mean anything by it. Then I get a text message the next day:
Sneaky: I should be able to call you whatever the fuck I please!
Me: You have been acting funny ever since I told you I was not dating for the rest of the year. You are my release, don’t complicate matters.
Sneaky: Since you are always so insistent on getting your way, per your terms, all we have is some take it or leave it shit. We do not have anything to complicate.
Me: Ok, we are cool then.
Sneaky: Go fuck yourself!
Me: I thought we were in that together.
Sneaky: I do not feel like dealing with you right now. Respect that.
Me: Ok, give me a call when you feeling up to it.
Fast forward 2 days later:
Sneaky: Can you come out?
Me: Yes, what’s up?
Sneaky: Come see me.
Me: On my way,
So I take a quick shower, get out the lingerie, stockings and all, put the stilettos and the short trench and hit the road. (I liked to get dressed up. I sometimes don’t see the point seeing that nothing stays on long but if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right.) Make it to his place and he opens the door. “What’s up?” he says and goes inside leaving me at the door. Is he on something? So I go in, he’s got a little jazz going, offers me some wine and we take a seat on the couch. “We need to talk” Hell to the naw!! I don’t want to talk about anything. I go to bedroom, change into a t-shirt and boxers, grab the bottle of wine, go back to the couch and listen. Why can’t he keep this to himself? I have feelings for him also but I am not giving it up. I’m zoning out but then I hear “How do you feel about what I just told you?” I told him I felt like he was old enough to be able to control urge to share and keep this to himself. He knows we do not match, that we cannot be together for many reasons, why would he even go there? I told him I’d never tell him what I really feel and if I were so compelled, I’d just stop seeing him. Eww, I went just a tad too far. I knew I would but I did not care. I realize that in life you cannot have everything you want and that you cannot do everything. I want it all but I also know that everything that you want may not necessarily be good for you.
We talk for a while longer and then he says that he is going to lay it down, he has to get up early. Damn! Now he’s pissed, I can’t drive myself home because I am well past tipsy, and it doesn’t look like I am going to get any. Sike! It was better than ever! Raw passion, pure ecstasy, all the clichés about some good ass sex. And then the retarded happens: he kissed me. We have never kissed before but I’ll be damned if I didn’t kiss back. I can taste his lips now. Lawd have mercy.
Sneaky: I should be able to call you whatever the fuck I please!
Me: You have been acting funny ever since I told you I was not dating for the rest of the year. You are my release, don’t complicate matters.
Sneaky: Since you are always so insistent on getting your way, per your terms, all we have is some take it or leave it shit. We do not have anything to complicate.
Me: Ok, we are cool then.
Sneaky: Go fuck yourself!
Me: I thought we were in that together.
Sneaky: I do not feel like dealing with you right now. Respect that.
Me: Ok, give me a call when you feeling up to it.
Fast forward 2 days later:
Sneaky: Can you come out?
Me: Yes, what’s up?
Sneaky: Come see me.
Me: On my way,
So I take a quick shower, get out the lingerie, stockings and all, put the stilettos and the short trench and hit the road. (I liked to get dressed up. I sometimes don’t see the point seeing that nothing stays on long but if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right.) Make it to his place and he opens the door. “What’s up?” he says and goes inside leaving me at the door. Is he on something? So I go in, he’s got a little jazz going, offers me some wine and we take a seat on the couch. “We need to talk” Hell to the naw!! I don’t want to talk about anything. I go to bedroom, change into a t-shirt and boxers, grab the bottle of wine, go back to the couch and listen. Why can’t he keep this to himself? I have feelings for him also but I am not giving it up. I’m zoning out but then I hear “How do you feel about what I just told you?” I told him I felt like he was old enough to be able to control urge to share and keep this to himself. He knows we do not match, that we cannot be together for many reasons, why would he even go there? I told him I’d never tell him what I really feel and if I were so compelled, I’d just stop seeing him. Eww, I went just a tad too far. I knew I would but I did not care. I realize that in life you cannot have everything you want and that you cannot do everything. I want it all but I also know that everything that you want may not necessarily be good for you.
We talk for a while longer and then he says that he is going to lay it down, he has to get up early. Damn! Now he’s pissed, I can’t drive myself home because I am well past tipsy, and it doesn’t look like I am going to get any. Sike! It was better than ever! Raw passion, pure ecstasy, all the clichés about some good ass sex. And then the retarded happens: he kissed me. We have never kissed before but I’ll be damned if I didn’t kiss back. I can taste his lips now. Lawd have mercy.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Pray for them
On Sunday August 26th in
So far only Cassandra’s and one of the children’s bodies have been found. That child has not yet been identified. We pray that those that have not yet been found are still alive, though there is little hope.
These young and wonderful parents leave behind their 3-month-old daughter, Donica who luckily was with her grandmother at the time of the collapse and is in safe hands.
Please keep this baby, her parents and siblings, and the grandparents who are left to care for her in your prayers. Pray for the lord to bless and keep them while they go through this tragedy. Give them the strength to care for and love little Donica so that she will not constantly yearn for the love and attention of her parents and siblings.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged
Deuteronomy 31:6
D*ck on the brain
This morning while driving to work, I found myself a little hot and bothered, in a good way - I had dick on the brain. My sex drive is very healthy. I have been known to climax from some passionate kisses alone (full out climax, not just wet panties – I know, T.M.I.) But normally, when I am not getting any, I don’t think about it (I now realize that just because I am not getting it every day does not mean I am not getting any). As everyone knows, I have taken the no dating vow through the end of the year and although I was planning on getting tune up every now and again via an ex-boyfriend-turned-buddy (the relationship was short lived but we have physical chemistry like a mutha fucka) or dude I have been sneaking around with for some time (let’s just call him Sneaky). Now the ex-boyfriend copped and ‘tude when I told him that I wasn’t going to date for a while and I would need him now more than every for the manly things. Car washes, oil changes, tune-ups, taking out the trash, etc. He would not have to pay for anything and other than taking out the trash, the only manual labor would be driving the car to the various service stations. He knows damn full and well I don’t do car maintenance. I barely tolerate pumping gas thankfully I was able to find 2 full service gas stations in my area. For the record, I am not a diva by any means. I grew up watching my dad doing all of the above plus some even though my mother was more than capable of taking care of herself. I shouldn’t have to do that shit. Anyway, he started talking about giving ‘us’ a chance again and all of that mess so it was one penis down, one to go.
Now Sneaky - let me take a pause and thank the almighty for allowing me the opportunity to experience true ecstasy – I love sex!!!. Ok, Sneaky is a relative of a very good friend of mine, I have never told anyone about him, well except for you, my fabulous readers. Although we are both single, we could NEVER be together. We sit around and talk about sex too often and all we would do is give each other the cock-eye every time one of us were to go out. We know all too well what the other is capable of. We are almost perfect undercover lovers, lust galore. He is aware of and does everything I like. I am aware of and am happy to do everything he likes. When I want to do something new, I know he is down and vice-versa. We have never kissed. Our lips are total strangers and we intend to keep it that way. Like I said we are almost perfect undercover lovers, what’s not perfect? We really like one another. Whenever we are seeing other people we turn super cool. We’ll go out on group dates, attend gatherings we know the other will attend and bring the date, acting like it ain’t nothing but a thing. But trust, we are bent. One time, I started going out with this guy that I did not know he knew – until it was too late. He saw us out together and there was a mini scene (there’s more to it but if I give any more details, someone is going to put 2 and 2 together). We all played it cool but there was tension. We didn’t speak again for a while. Anyhow, for some reason my conscious is really bothering me when it comes to Sneaky. We have no business messing around, I tell myself this every time we have any type of interaction and so I have decided to give it a rest. So I send him a text message (sucker ass move but he has the deep voice that I absolutely love and I am feeling weak right now) and tell him that I was going to work on me for a while and we should chill. No response for about 3 days and then finally “What does that have to do with what we do?” I plan on taking about 2 weeks to respond – I can’t handle the pressure.
Back to this a.m. I was flipping back and forth from Gu.cci Ma.ne’s Freaky Gurl and the latest UGK CD that I thought my son had jacked but was actually misplaced (sorry JJ) and suddenly – penis on the brain. It’s not the artists I’m attracted to, I just LOVE raw raunchy rap. It makes me feel sexy. So I thought about sex. At one point while driving I had my hand on my chest (not breast) and was actually bustin’ a sweat. I could envision myself with a fine chocolate brother, being kissed from head to calf (please for the love of Peter don’t even think about sucking on my toes – that is nasty as hell and ruins the sexy) and in some scandalous positions on the couch, the floor, shower – have mercy. I miss this. I like when doing laundry turns into a quickie on the dryer. When I am ‘with’ someone better believe he will get all a brother can handle plus some and he better not mess around and call himself being tired. Being with me is like having a newborn, you will have to get up for 2 a.m. feedings. The way I see it there is no point to having it and not using it, the dick that is.
This really is the wrong time for me to start feeling this way. It is a long weekend and I’m going out of town to visit some friends, and I was promised a good time and fine men. I’m going to take my friend Ria with me. Unfortunately for her, she does not even like sex so she can cock block.
Why me?
Cazual
Now Sneaky - let me take a pause and thank the almighty for allowing me the opportunity to experience true ecstasy – I love sex!!!. Ok, Sneaky is a relative of a very good friend of mine, I have never told anyone about him, well except for you, my fabulous readers. Although we are both single, we could NEVER be together. We sit around and talk about sex too often and all we would do is give each other the cock-eye every time one of us were to go out. We know all too well what the other is capable of. We are almost perfect undercover lovers, lust galore. He is aware of and does everything I like. I am aware of and am happy to do everything he likes. When I want to do something new, I know he is down and vice-versa. We have never kissed. Our lips are total strangers and we intend to keep it that way. Like I said we are almost perfect undercover lovers, what’s not perfect? We really like one another. Whenever we are seeing other people we turn super cool. We’ll go out on group dates, attend gatherings we know the other will attend and bring the date, acting like it ain’t nothing but a thing. But trust, we are bent. One time, I started going out with this guy that I did not know he knew – until it was too late. He saw us out together and there was a mini scene (there’s more to it but if I give any more details, someone is going to put 2 and 2 together). We all played it cool but there was tension. We didn’t speak again for a while. Anyhow, for some reason my conscious is really bothering me when it comes to Sneaky. We have no business messing around, I tell myself this every time we have any type of interaction and so I have decided to give it a rest. So I send him a text message (sucker ass move but he has the deep voice that I absolutely love and I am feeling weak right now) and tell him that I was going to work on me for a while and we should chill. No response for about 3 days and then finally “What does that have to do with what we do?” I plan on taking about 2 weeks to respond – I can’t handle the pressure.
Back to this a.m. I was flipping back and forth from Gu.cci Ma.ne’s Freaky Gurl and the latest UGK CD that I thought my son had jacked but was actually misplaced (sorry JJ) and suddenly – penis on the brain. It’s not the artists I’m attracted to, I just LOVE raw raunchy rap. It makes me feel sexy. So I thought about sex. At one point while driving I had my hand on my chest (not breast) and was actually bustin’ a sweat. I could envision myself with a fine chocolate brother, being kissed from head to calf (please for the love of Peter don’t even think about sucking on my toes – that is nasty as hell and ruins the sexy) and in some scandalous positions on the couch, the floor, shower – have mercy. I miss this. I like when doing laundry turns into a quickie on the dryer. When I am ‘with’ someone better believe he will get all a brother can handle plus some and he better not mess around and call himself being tired. Being with me is like having a newborn, you will have to get up for 2 a.m. feedings. The way I see it there is no point to having it and not using it, the dick that is.
This really is the wrong time for me to start feeling this way. It is a long weekend and I’m going out of town to visit some friends, and I was promised a good time and fine men. I’m going to take my friend Ria with me. Unfortunately for her, she does not even like sex so she can cock block.
Why me?
Cazual
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Hoodwinked
Last night I was tricked. I went to my daughter’s school thinking that it was a class meeting but come to find out that it was actually a PTA meeting and they were allowing the teachers to speak at the end. Please note: I have nothing against the PTA. My mom was PTA Secretary the entire time I was in elementary school. As a matter of fact, all of the PTA members had a child that came from my class. In New York City, classes are ranked (at least they were back in the day) so as long as the kids in my class did well we all went to the top class the following year, if not they went to the #2 class for that grade and hopefully they got their stuff together and joined us in the top class again the following year. Basically, from 1st grade through 6th grade, I was stuck with the same folk every year. I say all of this to show that my class was blessed not only because the work came easy to us but because we had an entire PTA board on our side. At least one member was in the school every day which helped to keep us in line and as much as I hated to admit it then, I loved when my classmates would say “Cazual, your Mom is here” and there she was on a rainy day with my raincoat, galoshes, and umbrella (I do not like rain water on my skin). Thanks Mom.
Anywho, I need to give you a visual of attendance at the meeting, so here are the demographics for my daughter’s school (the closest I could get was 2005-2006 data but not much changed 2006-2007 school year. )
Myself and the other brown parents and children sat in the back - we are thoroughly ticked because we know that not only are we going to be here for a minute, we are not going to learn anything new. I’m not going to lie, I normally wish that I wasn’t there for their dry a$$ meetings but last night was the first time that I contemplated sneaking out however, since there’s never enough parking at these events I drove with my neighbor and I was a$$ed out. I should have known something was up when we were able to find a spot in the parking lot as soon as we drove up.
PTA portion of the meeting starts to wind down and their last topic of the evening (meeting was to start at 7:15 actual time was 7:35 and did not end until about 8:45) was about the Title I funds that the school had received. Talk about a chill in the air. PTA President looked nervous as hell. She spent all night running her mouth, not a “uh”, “umm”, “oh excuse me I lost my page” all damn night but all of a sudden this heifer is stuttering, sweating, pausing and swallowing hard. What the hell? Basically because the school percentage for free and reduced lunch was 0.2% over the district wide average, we were granted some additional federal funds? Clutch the pearls!! Poor people in our midst you say? What the hell are we going to do? And can you tell me why she was up there trying to convince these people that just because we received Title I funds, we are not a Title I school? Seriously? Because of these funds we were able to hire one whole extra full-time teacher that will focus only on the needs of the children that need additional help. All of the children that need extra help will receive one on one attention from this teacher, not just the poor students. That means that little non-reading, non-adding, born with a silver spoon in his mouth Billy with the Vicodin addicted stay-at-home Mom that is too high to help with his homework and the big Escalade driving, physically abusive, alcoholic Daddy who does not even want to look at him once he gets in from work, will be able to not only get the assistance he needs to get up to speed with his classmates, his teacher will not have to double as a counselor because he can talk to one of the 2 counselors (1 full time, 1 part time) that are on staff. Two counselors for 700 students and in some areas 2-3 schools have to share a counselor. Not to mention we have a full-time only for our school nurse. Why so pissy you say?
Mrs. PTA President made sure to make eye contact with everyone in that room except the back row until she got to the Title I funds and they she decided to stare to the back, that was until she started apologizing for even getting the money and looking around the room like she hoped no one would go postal. Then had the nerve to say that she knows the parents would have a lot of questions about the funds. Questions about what? Free money?
Well fortunately for me, you do not have my brown a$$ to thank for the money. Thank my buddy pale a$$ Jane (and yes that is her real name) for putting down her part-time income on the reduced lunch form, even though (1) she gets not only $2500 in alimony a month but another $2500 monthly for child support for her lone child (I’ve seen the checks, the house, the ex husband who happens to be a dentist, trust me, I would not co-sign unless I had facts) and (2) does not even live in the district, she registered the child with her ex-husband’s address so that he could attend this school and a damn good one it is. That trick lied, you have an extra teacher. I know I am all over the board with this post, but I was mad as hell last night because I know what they were thinking and I stuck around to hear what they were thinking. My neighbor had to drag me out of there and remind me that these people were responsible for my baby all day.
For the record, my Split Personality Diva is a straight A student. She might not have much act-right when she is in your building, but she as long as she gets the work done, it is always exceptional. She failed one test last year (thankfully not a state test) and that was because she fell asleep (dried up drool on the test paper to prove it). To date she has aced all district tests given to her and exceeded all benchmarks. This same brown child will assist you in getting the Exemplary rating that you so desire every year because she will ACE her third grade TAKS test. And I will give you one better, if I catch her writing even one ‘S’ backwards, I will march myself up to the school and have her take up any and all available time the “Title I teacher” has available so you will not have to worry about the stigma of having your child receive extra help.
I know that the majority of the bigoted parents at this school have too much cocaine up their noses to see a blessing in disguise. You would much rather have your child in the counselor’s office all day or at the nurse’s every afternoon downing their Prozac rather than getting some extra help in reading comprehension. Just because little man can find the word ‘Start’ on the buttons for his PS3, Wii, and his Xbox, does not mean he can read. Furthermore, since you are so concerned about your child being in the presence of the poor and the brown, enroll them in private school. But you can’t do that can you? Because although Mr. Lone Bread winner pulls down six figures or damn near, you are so busy trying to keep up with the Smiths, you live hand to mouth your damn self, and at the private school, your Tahoe would make you the poor one since they drive Hummers, and not the H3s sweetie the H1 Alphas (these people are serious about their vehicles down here).
There is a good possibility that someone from SPD’s school will read this and possibly pass it on. Please listen carefully. I know my child has issues. I also know that a lot of those issue stem from being the only black child in her grade for the first two years of her education (she attended another school). I have caught a teacher at this current school acting funny towards my child and she regretted it (note to other parents who are in a similar situation: all that are your color are not your kind. Don’t breathe that sigh of relief when you arrive at school the first day to find that Ms. Madison is a black woman and your child will get a fair shake. Many black teachers will treat your child like dog doo doo as soon as their white peers are around to see. Remember, they too are the minority and everyone like to fit in – yes, I said it).
Although I know all of this still continue to send my baby to this school. It is a damn good school and I am going to use it for it’s intended purpose, a proper EDUCATION. In the meantime, I will show up to your corny PTA meetings, I will volunteer for any school needs that I can complete alone, I will even let you rope me into some group activities because as usual you will get comfortable with me and tell me about your miserable home lives, give me the gossip on some of the other families, and I will get comfortable enough to show you the type of black woman I really am and that my child is not to be fooled with, for this is how I caught last year’s teacher showing her a$$. One of the white mothers that got to know me called me on my cell phone at work and told me to get to the school ASAP. You see most parents want the best for their child it is just that everyone’s idea of “best” is different. I need for my child to be open minded and accept the fact that just because someone is different, they are not less of a person than she is.
I was all over the place with this post. Syntax and spelling errors for days, run on sentences, paragraph 3 where paragraph 5 should be, but you all are intelligent folk and can connect the dots, I'm too tired to proofread, I apologize for the madness and thank you for hanging in there with me. I was and still am hot as fish grease! I own my children out right and I will be damned if I allow someone to run over them and I get irritated as hell if I think someone is looking down on them or mistreating them. I am getting pissed. Let me go.
Cazual
Anywho, I need to give you a visual of attendance at the meeting, so here are the demographics for my daughter’s school (the closest I could get was 2005-2006 data but not much changed 2006-2007 school year. )
Myself and the other brown parents and children sat in the back - we are thoroughly ticked because we know that not only are we going to be here for a minute, we are not going to learn anything new. I’m not going to lie, I normally wish that I wasn’t there for their dry a$$ meetings but last night was the first time that I contemplated sneaking out however, since there’s never enough parking at these events I drove with my neighbor and I was a$$ed out. I should have known something was up when we were able to find a spot in the parking lot as soon as we drove up.
PTA portion of the meeting starts to wind down and their last topic of the evening (meeting was to start at 7:15 actual time was 7:35 and did not end until about 8:45) was about the Title I funds that the school had received. Talk about a chill in the air. PTA President looked nervous as hell. She spent all night running her mouth, not a “uh”, “umm”, “oh excuse me I lost my page” all damn night but all of a sudden this heifer is stuttering, sweating, pausing and swallowing hard. What the hell? Basically because the school percentage for free and reduced lunch was 0.2% over the district wide average, we were granted some additional federal funds? Clutch the pearls!! Poor people in our midst you say? What the hell are we going to do? And can you tell me why she was up there trying to convince these people that just because we received Title I funds, we are not a Title I school? Seriously? Because of these funds we were able to hire one whole extra full-time teacher that will focus only on the needs of the children that need additional help. All of the children that need extra help will receive one on one attention from this teacher, not just the poor students. That means that little non-reading, non-adding, born with a silver spoon in his mouth Billy with the Vicodin addicted stay-at-home Mom that is too high to help with his homework and the big Escalade driving, physically abusive, alcoholic Daddy who does not even want to look at him once he gets in from work, will be able to not only get the assistance he needs to get up to speed with his classmates, his teacher will not have to double as a counselor because he can talk to one of the 2 counselors (1 full time, 1 part time) that are on staff. Two counselors for 700 students and in some areas 2-3 schools have to share a counselor. Not to mention we have a full-time only for our school nurse. Why so pissy you say?
Mrs. PTA President made sure to make eye contact with everyone in that room except the back row until she got to the Title I funds and they she decided to stare to the back, that was until she started apologizing for even getting the money and looking around the room like she hoped no one would go postal. Then had the nerve to say that she knows the parents would have a lot of questions about the funds. Questions about what? Free money?
Well fortunately for me, you do not have my brown a$$ to thank for the money. Thank my buddy pale a$$ Jane (and yes that is her real name) for putting down her part-time income on the reduced lunch form, even though (1) she gets not only $2500 in alimony a month but another $2500 monthly for child support for her lone child (I’ve seen the checks, the house, the ex husband who happens to be a dentist, trust me, I would not co-sign unless I had facts) and (2) does not even live in the district, she registered the child with her ex-husband’s address so that he could attend this school and a damn good one it is. That trick lied, you have an extra teacher. I know I am all over the board with this post, but I was mad as hell last night because I know what they were thinking and I stuck around to hear what they were thinking. My neighbor had to drag me out of there and remind me that these people were responsible for my baby all day.
For the record, my Split Personality Diva is a straight A student. She might not have much act-right when she is in your building, but she as long as she gets the work done, it is always exceptional. She failed one test last year (thankfully not a state test) and that was because she fell asleep (dried up drool on the test paper to prove it). To date she has aced all district tests given to her and exceeded all benchmarks. This same brown child will assist you in getting the Exemplary rating that you so desire every year because she will ACE her third grade TAKS test. And I will give you one better, if I catch her writing even one ‘S’ backwards, I will march myself up to the school and have her take up any and all available time the “Title I teacher” has available so you will not have to worry about the stigma of having your child receive extra help.
I know that the majority of the bigoted parents at this school have too much cocaine up their noses to see a blessing in disguise. You would much rather have your child in the counselor’s office all day or at the nurse’s every afternoon downing their Prozac rather than getting some extra help in reading comprehension. Just because little man can find the word ‘Start’ on the buttons for his PS3, Wii, and his Xbox, does not mean he can read. Furthermore, since you are so concerned about your child being in the presence of the poor and the brown, enroll them in private school. But you can’t do that can you? Because although Mr. Lone Bread winner pulls down six figures or damn near, you are so busy trying to keep up with the Smiths, you live hand to mouth your damn self, and at the private school, your Tahoe would make you the poor one since they drive Hummers, and not the H3s sweetie the H1 Alphas (these people are serious about their vehicles down here).
There is a good possibility that someone from SPD’s school will read this and possibly pass it on. Please listen carefully. I know my child has issues. I also know that a lot of those issue stem from being the only black child in her grade for the first two years of her education (she attended another school). I have caught a teacher at this current school acting funny towards my child and she regretted it (note to other parents who are in a similar situation: all that are your color are not your kind. Don’t breathe that sigh of relief when you arrive at school the first day to find that Ms. Madison is a black woman and your child will get a fair shake. Many black teachers will treat your child like dog doo doo as soon as their white peers are around to see. Remember, they too are the minority and everyone like to fit in – yes, I said it).
Although I know all of this still continue to send my baby to this school. It is a damn good school and I am going to use it for it’s intended purpose, a proper EDUCATION. In the meantime, I will show up to your corny PTA meetings, I will volunteer for any school needs that I can complete alone, I will even let you rope me into some group activities because as usual you will get comfortable with me and tell me about your miserable home lives, give me the gossip on some of the other families, and I will get comfortable enough to show you the type of black woman I really am and that my child is not to be fooled with, for this is how I caught last year’s teacher showing her a$$. One of the white mothers that got to know me called me on my cell phone at work and told me to get to the school ASAP. You see most parents want the best for their child it is just that everyone’s idea of “best” is different. I need for my child to be open minded and accept the fact that just because someone is different, they are not less of a person than she is.
I was all over the place with this post. Syntax and spelling errors for days, run on sentences, paragraph 3 where paragraph 5 should be, but you all are intelligent folk and can connect the dots, I'm too tired to proofread, I apologize for the madness and thank you for hanging in there with me. I was and still am hot as fish grease! I own my children out right and I will be damned if I allow someone to run over them and I get irritated as hell if I think someone is looking down on them or mistreating them. I am getting pissed. Let me go.
Cazual
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Always something to do
While sitting on the couch last night I realized that as much as I desire companionship, having someone will not be the end to my problems. I refuse to believe that I have fell off like this and that I am allowing the fact that I am not with anyone or that the men I meet are a$$holes to turn my life upside down. There has to be something else I’m not addressing. Here’s the short list.
College Degree: You really have to strike while the iron is hot on this one. By far the largest regret in my life is not completing my Bachelors while I had the chance. Ok, I still have the chance and I need to get it done.
Credit: Good but I need it to be better. I want a new car next year - at my price and on my terms. I’m not a credit card junkie, my Vi.sa and AM.EX (the only ones I have) do not carry balances (I hate owing money, not to mention, I don’t really have it to pay back) and I think this may actually be lowering my score. I can’t win for losing. So in order to raise my score, I am going to have to open and use more credit. Unfreaking real.
Savings: This needs to increase. I spend way too much money eating out.
Housing: It’s becoming more and more evident that a purchase is in order. Until I moved to Dallas, I hadn’t lived in apartment since I was 3 years old. I wouldn’t be so bad if the apartments here were not so bland. DAMN! I know home ownership is the goal of many but it is difficult as hell alone.
JJ - My 14 year-old: He is a good kid considering that his mother lives 1500 miles away but I know that I am failing him miserably.
Health: I don’t care what anyone says, I have to lose some weight. I’ve lost a few pounds but I’ll find them over the next few days. No point in lying, when I am in New York the agenda is eat, shop, party, eat, shop, eat, party, eat. I look good though, don’t get it twisted.
Whew! No wonder I can’t sleep at night. I need to get on the good foot with this mess. My cousin says I need to prioritize but the way I see it, everything ranks #1 and needs to be taken care of simultaneously. Maybe I just don’t have the bandwidth for anyone else with all of the above going on. I’m not feeling this semi self-assessment.
Cazual
College Degree: You really have to strike while the iron is hot on this one. By far the largest regret in my life is not completing my Bachelors while I had the chance. Ok, I still have the chance and I need to get it done.
Credit: Good but I need it to be better. I want a new car next year - at my price and on my terms. I’m not a credit card junkie, my Vi.sa and AM.EX (the only ones I have) do not carry balances (I hate owing money, not to mention, I don’t really have it to pay back) and I think this may actually be lowering my score. I can’t win for losing. So in order to raise my score, I am going to have to open and use more credit. Unfreaking real.
Savings: This needs to increase. I spend way too much money eating out.
Housing: It’s becoming more and more evident that a purchase is in order. Until I moved to Dallas, I hadn’t lived in apartment since I was 3 years old. I wouldn’t be so bad if the apartments here were not so bland. DAMN! I know home ownership is the goal of many but it is difficult as hell alone.
JJ - My 14 year-old: He is a good kid considering that his mother lives 1500 miles away but I know that I am failing him miserably.
Health: I don’t care what anyone says, I have to lose some weight. I’ve lost a few pounds but I’ll find them over the next few days. No point in lying, when I am in New York the agenda is eat, shop, party, eat, shop, eat, party, eat. I look good though, don’t get it twisted.
Whew! No wonder I can’t sleep at night. I need to get on the good foot with this mess. My cousin says I need to prioritize but the way I see it, everything ranks #1 and needs to be taken care of simultaneously. Maybe I just don’t have the bandwidth for anyone else with all of the above going on. I’m not feeling this semi self-assessment.
Cazual
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Favorite Black Movies
Invisible Woman had a great post yesterday asking everyone to send a list of thier Favorite Black Films. Claudine is my hands down favorite. Yes there are some that are better but none touch me or make me laugh and cry as this movie does. Below is my favorite song off the soundtrack. Sort of melancholy, but I love it just the same.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
Okay, so I am a day late for my own birthday but I wasn't really in peak condition yesterday so I am calling it a do over. I had a great weekend, lots of gifts, friends came in from out of town to surprise me (does that mean when I go to NY later this week there won't be any gatherings for me?). Everything was perfect until I was preparing for work yesterday and lo and behold - a GREY HAIR!! I spent about 20 minutes trying to pluck that slippery sucker out but to no avail. Now I am minus about 10 good hairs.
I finally make it in to work ready to start my day and I find some lovely flowers on my desk from my co-workers. That makes me feel better but then my Dad calls to wish me a happy birthday and next thing you know, I am bawling. I always cry after I talk to my Dad but this time, I let it loose on the phone. Something about the last year being a waste and not knowing what direction I need to take in life, etc...
So, I left work early (I don't need them to know about my emotional side) to get myself in order. Some cheese fries, good friends and a glass of wine later, I start to feel stable again.
Today I feel perfectly fine so I am going to go with the feeling and tomorrow my hairdresser and I will deal with that pesky grey hair.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
Cazual
I finally make it in to work ready to start my day and I find some lovely flowers on my desk from my co-workers. That makes me feel better but then my Dad calls to wish me a happy birthday and next thing you know, I am bawling. I always cry after I talk to my Dad but this time, I let it loose on the phone. Something about the last year being a waste and not knowing what direction I need to take in life, etc...
So, I left work early (I don't need them to know about my emotional side) to get myself in order. Some cheese fries, good friends and a glass of wine later, I start to feel stable again.
Today I feel perfectly fine so I am going to go with the feeling and tomorrow my hairdresser and I will deal with that pesky grey hair.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
Cazual
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
You win...sort of
Ok fellas, you win. Y'all wore me down. I give up but I cannot surrender (there is a difference). You played your games, worked the hell out of my nerves, you did it all. I tried to hang in there with you, but I cannot accept the foolishness. I cannot believe you wanted me to go for the okey doke, take far less than what I know I'm worth. Seriously?
I always heard that 7 was a lucky number and the way I see it 2007 is my lucky year, self awareness is a blessing. Instead of looking back on 2007 past and living in regret, I am going to take the lemons you gave me and make lemonade. Every now and again a person needs to sit in a corner alone and assess the bullshyt they call a life. Don't get me wrong I am grateful to God every day for the opportunity to live and breathe, grateful that he has given me a decent family, beautiful children, and an exceptional brain (despite the fact that I don't have a college degree to go with it--however I digress, that is a blog for another day, okay multiple blogs for many days; it's a sore spot). The brain that he has given me is quick thinking, knows right from wrong, and can detect the bull a mile away yet I choose to squander these gifts. I have decided to stop taking my blessings for granted and ignoring the messages that I have been bombarded with this year, I'm going to sit in this dusty corner by myself for the remainder of 2007 and get it together.
I am infamous for telling guys how much I hate repeating myself, how much they need to pay attention. But when I take the time to look at the woman in the mirror, I find that I am not much better because I am doing exactly that in my life. Repeating the same mistakes, ignoring the flashing red "RUN NOW" sign as if it does not apply to me. God is good because if i were in his position, I would have shaken the hell out of me by now. However, the loving being that he is has always made sure that when I have fallen, there was not a cut or bruise that was beyond healing. So before his grace and patience runs out with me I want to say "I hear you loud and clear. Thank you for saving me from myself".
Now, if anyone reading this knows of a non-trifling, ready for real love, SINGLE (I don't date married men), intelligent, loves and respects his mama/women, God fearing, knowledge seeking, sweet love making, has his stuff in order, doesn't mind dating a woman with 2 kids (I'm not hating on those of you that do mind, I completely understand) over the age of 32, proud to be BLACK MAN, ask him to wait for me. I want it all but I won't be able to accept it until 2008.
I always heard that 7 was a lucky number and the way I see it 2007 is my lucky year, self awareness is a blessing. Instead of looking back on 2007 past and living in regret, I am going to take the lemons you gave me and make lemonade. Every now and again a person needs to sit in a corner alone and assess the bullshyt they call a life. Don't get me wrong I am grateful to God every day for the opportunity to live and breathe, grateful that he has given me a decent family, beautiful children, and an exceptional brain (despite the fact that I don't have a college degree to go with it--however I digress, that is a blog for another day, okay multiple blogs for many days; it's a sore spot). The brain that he has given me is quick thinking, knows right from wrong, and can detect the bull a mile away yet I choose to squander these gifts. I have decided to stop taking my blessings for granted and ignoring the messages that I have been bombarded with this year, I'm going to sit in this dusty corner by myself for the remainder of 2007 and get it together.
I am infamous for telling guys how much I hate repeating myself, how much they need to pay attention. But when I take the time to look at the woman in the mirror, I find that I am not much better because I am doing exactly that in my life. Repeating the same mistakes, ignoring the flashing red "RUN NOW" sign as if it does not apply to me. God is good because if i were in his position, I would have shaken the hell out of me by now. However, the loving being that he is has always made sure that when I have fallen, there was not a cut or bruise that was beyond healing. So before his grace and patience runs out with me I want to say "I hear you loud and clear. Thank you for saving me from myself".
Now, if anyone reading this knows of a non-trifling, ready for real love, SINGLE (I don't date married men), intelligent, loves and respects his mama/women, God fearing, knowledge seeking, sweet love making, has his stuff in order, doesn't mind dating a woman with 2 kids (I'm not hating on those of you that do mind, I completely understand) over the age of 32, proud to be BLACK MAN, ask him to wait for me. I want it all but I won't be able to accept it until 2008.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Brighter Day
I feel so much better today and would like to take the time to thank not only my personal friends but Manchild for taking the time to show me some love. To quote Erykah Badu “Sometimes you feel like your by yourself”, and it is not a good feeling. However, Manchild had to remind me that I was not alone, that although you all are not here in the flesh, my blogging family is always here for me.
At this time, I would like to take the time to thank the Almighty for all that he has done and continues to do for me (I’m in my feelings today, bear with me). I am well aware that everyday there is someone who throws their hands up in despair and voluntarily leaves this earth when the chips seem down but I am grateful that He has chosen to give me the strength to wake up in the morning and face the world after a night full of tears.
I am eternally grateful for my parents. They taught me that the word divorce did not equal hate. They never put me in a position of having to choose one parent over the other, and always showed me that although I had one less parent in the house than most of my friends, I had more love than they could ever muster. Mummy, you are the most unselfish person that I know. You take on the heartache of all of those around you just so that they can hold their heads up each day and feel good about themselves. There will never be enough love, gifts, or accolades that my brother and I and your four grandchildren could shower you with that could compensate you for your unconditional love. Daddy, you da man! When I listen to others speak of their father coming home drunk, beating on the family and tearing up everything in sight, I try my best to keep my guilty smile from showing. Oh you were drunk, but your actions were never steeped in anger. I’m probably the only person that looks back fondly at the memory of my drunk father, drunk, holding me by the shoulders, trying to focus his bloodshot eyes on mine to tell me how much he loved me and wanted me to know that everything he does is for his family. I want you to know that I felt the love and I am very proud of you for kicking the bottle to the curb!
JJ and Goldie, mommy loves you. JJ, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all of the calls you made to me this summer to find out why I was in the house all alone and encouraging me to get out the house to see the latest movie. You weren’t that obvious with your concerns, but I know not to expect that from a teenage boy. Goldie, what can I say? You are the most loving 8 year old, split personality diva in the universe. Never a dull moment. You’ve burned your bridges with Grandma though so I don’t know where you are going to go next summer, but you have got to get up out of here.
I’ve got quite a bit to do this weekend to keep me busy and hopefully keep the loneliness at bay. First stop after work, the bookstore. I was a no-show last weekend and I am sure my fellow booklovers are worried by now, not to mention, I am fresh out of reading materiel and that brings on the blues. I have to make my obligatory Friday night visit to the liquor store, 2 bottles of wine and Mr. Hennessy should do the trick. Note: I am not a drunk. I just play one on the weekends. My girlfriend is dragging me out to the Saturday night so I am sure there will be an interesting story to tell there. Wish me luck.
That reminds me, my homie Bronx and I are putting together and online survey for any new men that we meet. They will have to take the survey before they can get the digits. What have we got to lose, the way I see it, we are not exactly batting a thousand with the fellas anyway. I wonder how many brothers I’ll run up on that do not have an email address. Lawd have mercy, this is ’07 people, help our brothers and sisters to do better. More to follow.
I hope you all have a fabulous weekend.
At this time, I would like to take the time to thank the Almighty for all that he has done and continues to do for me (I’m in my feelings today, bear with me). I am well aware that everyday there is someone who throws their hands up in despair and voluntarily leaves this earth when the chips seem down but I am grateful that He has chosen to give me the strength to wake up in the morning and face the world after a night full of tears.
I am eternally grateful for my parents. They taught me that the word divorce did not equal hate. They never put me in a position of having to choose one parent over the other, and always showed me that although I had one less parent in the house than most of my friends, I had more love than they could ever muster. Mummy, you are the most unselfish person that I know. You take on the heartache of all of those around you just so that they can hold their heads up each day and feel good about themselves. There will never be enough love, gifts, or accolades that my brother and I and your four grandchildren could shower you with that could compensate you for your unconditional love. Daddy, you da man! When I listen to others speak of their father coming home drunk, beating on the family and tearing up everything in sight, I try my best to keep my guilty smile from showing. Oh you were drunk, but your actions were never steeped in anger. I’m probably the only person that looks back fondly at the memory of my drunk father, drunk, holding me by the shoulders, trying to focus his bloodshot eyes on mine to tell me how much he loved me and wanted me to know that everything he does is for his family. I want you to know that I felt the love and I am very proud of you for kicking the bottle to the curb!
JJ and Goldie, mommy loves you. JJ, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all of the calls you made to me this summer to find out why I was in the house all alone and encouraging me to get out the house to see the latest movie. You weren’t that obvious with your concerns, but I know not to expect that from a teenage boy. Goldie, what can I say? You are the most loving 8 year old, split personality diva in the universe. Never a dull moment. You’ve burned your bridges with Grandma though so I don’t know where you are going to go next summer, but you have got to get up out of here.
I’ve got quite a bit to do this weekend to keep me busy and hopefully keep the loneliness at bay. First stop after work, the bookstore. I was a no-show last weekend and I am sure my fellow booklovers are worried by now, not to mention, I am fresh out of reading materiel and that brings on the blues. I have to make my obligatory Friday night visit to the liquor store, 2 bottles of wine and Mr. Hennessy should do the trick. Note: I am not a drunk. I just play one on the weekends. My girlfriend is dragging me out to the Saturday night so I am sure there will be an interesting story to tell there. Wish me luck.
That reminds me, my homie Bronx and I are putting together and online survey for any new men that we meet. They will have to take the survey before they can get the digits. What have we got to lose, the way I see it, we are not exactly batting a thousand with the fellas anyway. I wonder how many brothers I’ll run up on that do not have an email address. Lawd have mercy, this is ’07 people, help our brothers and sisters to do better. More to follow.
I hope you all have a fabulous weekend.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
State of Confusion
I’m definitely going through something. Can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it to save my life. The slightest thing will bring me to tears. I don’t know whether I am coming or going.
I miss my family. I am seriously contemplating moving back to NY, on the other hand, I am seriously contemplating moving to a neighborhood in Dallas with a little more color. However, I could help my Mom a lot more if I were actually there with her. I want my son to move here, yet I do not want to drag him here to only drag him back to NY due to my loneliness. That’s another thing, I was dead serious about bringing him here to live and now all of a sudden, everything is up in the air. Confused.
I’m tired of being alone although I’m pretty sure it does not have to be this way. Real nice guy. There are a lot of women that would like to have a man like him. He’s dependable, likes my kids, will put up with my shit (this is not always a good thing), makes sure my car stays in good shape and I do not mean taking it in when something is broken, I am talking about make sure it’s always clean, the tank stays at half full or better (amen, because I hate pumping gas), oil changed on time, everything. He is NOT a video game junkie, has a great job and keeps a side hustle, always takes out the trash, is GREAT in bed, and much, much more. However, he gets on my last nerve!! This is a long distance relationship that has been going on for far too long and has run its course. I’m not moving there, and I do not want him to move here. I told him it was over, he won’t accept it and I won’t allow him to. I know I do not want him but it’s hard to let go of the familiar. I’m selfish and in need of a good spanking.
I went through it last night in the worst way. I put out the APB for a e-hug (anyone that would understand my emotional breakdown was either at work or on the East coast). I cried until my friend called and told me to shut the hell up. According to him, I bring this shit on myself. Talk about tough love. Then my phone rang and a sweet Brooklyn baritone was on the other end saying “What’s wrong ma?” More tears, I mean bawling. I’m sure he was only able to make out about two thirds of my babbling but he talked me through it and just when I thought I was going to descend the ledge he comes with “You’ll feel better if I fly you home this weekend” I know he meant well but who told him to say that? Now I’m crying and angry “You just don’t get it. Nobody understands. I can’t talk to you right now.” Now I’m back where I started. On the couch, crying, trying to catch my breath. You would have thought I was an 8 year-old straight off an ass whopping. Crazy, deranged.
All of this has been going on since 7 p.m. Finally around midnight I decide that I am hungry, head out for a Steak Quesadilla, and practically swallow it whole when I get back in the house. I feel better and worse since the seven pounds I got rid of recently will probably insist on returning. Two Excedrin and a coke and Hennessey later, I pop Hotel Rwanda in the dvd player and take my fat ass to sleep.
Something is wrong with me.
I miss my family. I am seriously contemplating moving back to NY, on the other hand, I am seriously contemplating moving to a neighborhood in Dallas with a little more color. However, I could help my Mom a lot more if I were actually there with her. I want my son to move here, yet I do not want to drag him here to only drag him back to NY due to my loneliness. That’s another thing, I was dead serious about bringing him here to live and now all of a sudden, everything is up in the air. Confused.
I’m tired of being alone although I’m pretty sure it does not have to be this way. Real nice guy. There are a lot of women that would like to have a man like him. He’s dependable, likes my kids, will put up with my shit (this is not always a good thing), makes sure my car stays in good shape and I do not mean taking it in when something is broken, I am talking about make sure it’s always clean, the tank stays at half full or better (amen, because I hate pumping gas), oil changed on time, everything. He is NOT a video game junkie, has a great job and keeps a side hustle, always takes out the trash, is GREAT in bed, and much, much more. However, he gets on my last nerve!! This is a long distance relationship that has been going on for far too long and has run its course. I’m not moving there, and I do not want him to move here. I told him it was over, he won’t accept it and I won’t allow him to. I know I do not want him but it’s hard to let go of the familiar. I’m selfish and in need of a good spanking.
I went through it last night in the worst way. I put out the APB for a e-hug (anyone that would understand my emotional breakdown was either at work or on the East coast). I cried until my friend called and told me to shut the hell up. According to him, I bring this shit on myself. Talk about tough love. Then my phone rang and a sweet Brooklyn baritone was on the other end saying “What’s wrong ma?” More tears, I mean bawling. I’m sure he was only able to make out about two thirds of my babbling but he talked me through it and just when I thought I was going to descend the ledge he comes with “You’ll feel better if I fly you home this weekend” I know he meant well but who told him to say that? Now I’m crying and angry “You just don’t get it. Nobody understands. I can’t talk to you right now.” Now I’m back where I started. On the couch, crying, trying to catch my breath. You would have thought I was an 8 year-old straight off an ass whopping. Crazy, deranged.
All of this has been going on since 7 p.m. Finally around midnight I decide that I am hungry, head out for a Steak Quesadilla, and practically swallow it whole when I get back in the house. I feel better and worse since the seven pounds I got rid of recently will probably insist on returning. Two Excedrin and a coke and Hennessey later, I pop Hotel Rwanda in the dvd player and take my fat ass to sleep.
Something is wrong with me.
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